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Matt has written 59 reviews for films rated .

  • Suicide Squad

    Suicide Squad

    I watched the “Extended Cut” this time, which makes the catastrophic mistake of thinking the way to fix this movie is to make it longer. Spoiler alert: It didn’t work!

    I had a phase in my 20s where I got really into the original Suicide Squad comic. Back in the early 2000s, these books were super cheap, and between dollar bins at conventions and eBay lots I got most of John Ostrander’s run. It’s a great, dark, bleak series. The film…

  • The Happytime Murders

    The Happytime Murders

    If you are ever at bar trivia and the question is “In what movie did Melissa McCarthy bite a puppet on the dick?” the answer is The Happytime Murders. (If they ask for the movie where Joel McHale stares at a puppet’s vagina in a spoof of a classic scene from Basic Instinct, the answer is also The Happytime Murders.) The only person who comes out of this looking good is Maya Rudolph. She sells a rice pilaf joke. Rice…

  • Spider-Man: The Dragon's Challenge

    Spider-Man: The Dragon's Challenge

    Had the guys who made the 1970s Spider-Man TV series ever even glanced in the direction of a comic before? Generic, interchangeable villains, little action, almost none of the classic Spider-Man supporting cast, and Nicholas Hammond, the actor who plays Peter Parker, looks older than depressed dadbod Spidey from Into the Spider-Verse. Saying this two-parter-turned-cheapo-feature is like watching paint dry is an insult to paint, which dries a lot faster and more efficiently than anything happens in this disaster.

  • Serenity

    Serenity

    I knew the twist and it was still 1000 times more banana pants crazy than I expected. Truly a Hall of Fame WTF Movie. It’s inconceivable that anyone thought this idea would work, much less the dozens of people who had to think that in order to make this thing into reality. Also, McConaughey shows his butt so much we are now officially in The McConASSance.

  • Planet of the Apes

    Planet of the Apes

    “In this temple as in the hearts of the apes for whom he saved the planet the memory of General Thade is enshrined forever.”

  • Mortal Engines

    Mortal Engines

    I was so bored during this movie I spent most of the last act trying to figure out the last movie that was this big that was also this bad. The answer I settled on was Battlefield Earth.

    Full review at ScreenCrush.

  • Gotti

    Gotti

    The staggering awfulness of this makes more sense if you pretend it stars Chili Palmer after he flamed out of Hollywood producing and stayed in the game by accepting parts in crappy mobster films.

  • Take It Out in Trade

    Take It Out in Trade

    Plan 10 From the Nudie Cuties

  • The Fog

    The Fog

    The fog comes
    on little cat feet.

    It sits looking
    over harbor and city
    on silent haunches
    and then moves on.

    But not until
    Tom Welling takes off his shirt.

  • The Master of Disguise

    The Master of Disguise

    In a 40-year career in horror, David Cronenberg never dreamed up an image as chilling or stomach-churning as Dana Carvey as a human turtle or a giant walking cherry pie. Nightmare fuel this pure could power the city from Monsters Inc. for a year.

    Read my full accounting of this monstrosity on ScreenCrush.

  • The Avengers

    The Avengers

    The IMDB.O. List #1

    Casting Uma Thurman as Black Widow makes sense, I guess, but who decided on Ralph Fiennes as Captain America? Where is his shield? And Jim Broadbent as Nick Fury? Don’t even get me started on Sean Connery as Loki. He doesn’t even look like Loki! Where’s his scepter? Had the people who made this movie even read a Marvel comic?

    I’m going to watch and write about every movie on IMDb’s Bottom 100 List. This is the first installment.

  • Weekend at Bernie's

    Weekend at Bernie's

    As pure a vision of hell as the cinema has produced.