Melody has written 12 reviews for films rated ½ .

  • Fantasy Island

    Fantasy Island


    “Who are you?”
    “I’m… her fantasy… not like that…”

    Gonna be straight-up honest and say yep I’m drinking, it’s Wednesday duh you should know that by now. But that doesn’t generally impact my basic faculties at this point. And basically… I’m 10 minutes into this and… was this really made in 2020? ‘cos it feels like an early 2000s movie. This was almost the last movie I saw on the big screen ‘cos I honestly thought it looked good, like…

  • Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse

    Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse


    I'm really upset at how fucking awful I found this, I literally watched Lego Movie last week as much to prep me for the Lord/Miller tone I found it so hard to adjust to last time as much as for Lego Movie 2 but Jesus Christ no even just technically it reminded me of my headachey early 2000s Poser experiments. As to the identity theme just fuck off. Maybe it just got me on a bad day. Sorry.

  • Kick-Ass 2

    Kick-Ass 2


    I was so proud of my original review (below) I posted it to the IMDb (I only ever posted like 5 reviews there lol)… I was half-expecting revisiting this to be sort of the opposite to my expected experience revisiting Kick-Ass earlier, and to be a lot less bothered by it given that it hardly set the world on fire in the end… but, no, it really is as bad as I thought the first time, and I've nothing to…

  • Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

    Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers


    Logging as this cut but to be honest don't know which cut I'm watching but it's like 20 minutes in and feels like hours already and just f**k this movie… seriously by far the lowest ebb of the entire franchise, Zombie versions included… don't let me watch this one again, just don't.

  • I Stay with You

    I Stay with You


    I hate nothing more than when movies make me come across like the biggest prude on earth but it seems like I have no other way to express myself on this one - after a set up so vague it sent me running to Wikipedia etc for a plot summary (they didn't really help, but it turned out to be unimportant) and its clubbish scenes with the dialogue so inaudible they needed subtitles even before the English translation (the original…

  • The Trial of Billy Jack

    The Trial of Billy Jack


    “Is this what you call non-violence?”
    “No, I’m sorry. We call it by something much cornier than that.”
    “We call it, love!”

    "I don't care if you WANNA hear a speech or not you're gonna HEAR one, BABY!"

    Pauline Kael starts her review of this (which I just happened to hit this week in my slow read of her book “Reeling”) with the line, “Delores Taylor weeps throughout the two hours and fifty minutes of The Trial of Billy Jack,”…

  • Back in Time

    Back in Time


    I'm so glad I forgot this was launching on Netflix yesterday so didn't ruin my night watching the trilogy at the cinema by following it with this when I came home. Maybe if I'd looked into it a little I might've known better what to expect and been less disappointed, but I doubt it. It just spends way too long on things that have nothing to do with the movie, like guys rebuilding the Delorean as a fan project or…

  • Quicksilver Highway

    Quicksilver Highway


    (Part of my 24hr Halloween Marathon 2014: Stephen King)

    It's a TV movie so normally I wouldn't even log this let alone write about it, but I feel like I should warn you - and it's technically only half Stephen King so it probably shouldn't have been in this marathon. But it's an anthology movie and should've been perfect after Thinner, which is essentially a well-extended anthology segment. I don't think I've ever seen a truly bad anthology movie… 'til…

  • Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

    Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers


    Writing this before the movie's even finished, 'cos… really, what were they thinking here? This is one of possibly 2 discs in the complete Halloween box set that I'll likely never watch again (the other, possibly, being Halloween: Resurrection, unless I have some kind of epiphany watching that again…) This is the definition of a rare kind of film that I really neither love nor loathe… it just genuinely doesn't exist for me, because what has it really got to…

  • Nymphomaniac



    Well this made me think less of every single person involved with it. Sex makes people fucking stupid. There's only one interesting moment in these whole 4 hours and I'm not going to bother saying what it is because I think Lars Von Trier would prefer me to be unreasonably angry with him.

  • Xtro 3: Watch the Skies

    Xtro 3: Watch the Skies


    I don't often do this but I'm calling this one about 15 minutes in lol… if Xtro 2 was Aliens then this is Predator. The one thing these sequels do is increase one's appreciation of the original… which is a really bizarre feeling…

  • Xtro 2: The Second Encounter

    Xtro 2: The Second Encounter


    As I wrote, the first Xtro brought to mind a lot of movies, not just the obvious inspirations of Alien and ET (and it was a pleasant surprise to find that movie leant more towards ET, in that it at least *seemed* to be going for something closer to the heart, fathers etc…). All I got from this, however - and I mean ALL, I kinda zoned out quickly - was Aliens, Aliens, Aliens.

    Movies like this always remind me…