Melody has written 18 reviews for films rated ★½ .

  • Luck of the Navy

    Luck of the Navy


    I just struggle to have anything to say about some of these oldies. I can't believe this was only 68 minutes long either, it felt like it was never going to end.

  • Sailors Don't Care

    Sailors Don't Care


    …I didn't much either… the songs were okay though.

  • The Snorkel

    The Snorkel


    This starts out so surprising with a freaky murder scene reminiscent of Dennis Hopper and his gas in Blue Velvet - it's a full 10 minutes before anybody speaks English, the only words being the scant Italian of the housekeepers discovering the crime (I kind of panicked that I'd got a dubbed version). Unfortunately it quite quickly gets far too ridiculous from there, and the saddest thing of all is that teenaged Mandy Miller is outacted every second by the…

  • Tons of Trouble

    Tons of Trouble


    I technically watched this.

  • The Girl in a Swing

    The Girl in a Swing


    Meg Tilly is pretty and all but I basiacally did the rare thing of napping a couple of times in this… I have no idea…

    (edit: I just read the wikipedia summary of the book and it gripped me more than the movie did… I think that says it all…)

  • Cavegirl



    From the early locker room scene I kinda thought there were gonna be more boobies in this, and it's kind of weird that that would've actually been a lot less skeevy than the (feels like) hour of this dude (who is definitely older than he's meant to be) teaching a girl how to say "sit on my face" (I… guess you could argue that he's at least trying to make it somewhat consensual in his peabrained way?)… I tuned out…

  • Midnight at Madame Tussaud's

    Midnight at Madame Tussaud's


    This starts out well, promising it was actually shot on location at the museum in the title. A man makes a bet that he can spend a night in the chamber of horrors. Then it turns into a completely different movie and we don't see the museum for about an hour and then nothing much even happens on the night (not that we see anyway). Just a massive waste really.

  • The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again

    The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again


    Well it seemed like the most perfect place for this after The Blob, so it happened. It's such a weird mess of a mix of "huh, not terrible…" and "what the f**k are you DOING?" that I don't know where to start. So I won't, except to say it was marginally easier to listen to than it was to look at (seriously, wtf, set/costume designers). Honestly, who did they really make this for, except assholes who don't really know what…

  • The Letter

    The Letter


    [aka Obsessed, in the UK, also apparently The Stare elsewhere?]

    This is how the universe answers every review of a Winona movie that says "not enough Winona" (seriously, count them lol)? I mean first of all how does a movie with Winona Ryder and James Franco in it made in 2012 have sound this bad? (and I rented it so I definitely wasn't watching a dodgy copy) It's basically a noodling student film that wants to be like sex,lies and…

  • The Dilemma

    The Dilemma


    “You sucked at the way you handled things… but you cared.”

    Ugh, normal people. (I considered just leaving this review like that, lol, but let’s try…) You know how I feel about them. I absolutely wouldn't have watched this, ever, were it not for this month's Winona thing - not even with it also starring Jennifer Connelly and being directed by Ron Howard. Anomalies like The Lost World, Psycho (shut up I like that movie), Into the Wild aside (okay…

  • Friends



    "I forgot, you're only 14…"
    "14 an a aff!"

    Oh lord. My expectations for this were too high by the time the Elton John title song had played out over the opening credits but I think even if they'd been non-existent I'd've felt woefully betrayed by its awfulness. I'd already associated it with 1973's wonderful Jeremy and the same year's even more wonderful Melody when I spied it on Netflix and saw the theme (basically, "young love") and the year,…

  • The Last of Robin Hood

    The Last of Robin Hood


    Sigh… for every great Dakota Fanning movie it seems there have to be 3 or 4 that make you wonder what the hell is going wrong in whatever process (be it in or out of her hands) decides her projects. You can see why she might've done this one - the prospect of Kevin Kline playing Errol Flynn seems like definitive casting, the story is slightly unusual, it has as much to say for her character as for (or against)…