Melody has written 25 reviews for films rated .

  • Nightmare Cinema

    Nightmare Cinema

    I've been posting "best 10 first watches" lists to Facebook every month this year (actually I think for a couple of years now, inspired by Sally) and I've been kinda panicky for October cos my old time horror rewatch detours (among other things) have taken up so much time… I genuinely thought at least a new horror anthology led by Mick Garris would be a shoe-in - but dang, I just have nothing to say about this. The segments blur…

  • Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

    Jay and Silent Bob Reboot

    Utterly horrendous, barely even a movie, and Kevin Smith's worst by far (yes even worse than Cop Out - in fact it's the first one I honestly struggle to find any merit in) but that mood swing in the van got me deep - Harley Quinn is amazing. I was gonna save this one for last in the countdown but I just got the feeling today was the day and I'm so glad I didn't build it up any further…

  • Deadtime Stories

    Deadtime Stories

    Halloween Marathon 2019: 40 for 40

    Probably the worst anthology movie I've seen? Just a really weak collection of stories with a couple of decent effects and a little nudity to keep it from being completely boring. Points for the original title song upfront though…

  • Annie: A Royal Adventure

    Annie: A Royal Adventure

    I could've written this without seeing it but I don't do that sort of thing… but this has been hanging around my mental watchlist for years and I think it was last year I guess when I last watched Home for the Holidays I realised the little girl in that was in this and was already plotting this 40 year countdown and it somehow ended up on the watchlist. Anyway, I watched it, and it's awful. I hate dissing a…

  • History of the World: Part I

    History of the World: Part I

    There are people who think this is better than Spaceballs, really? I thought this was just horrendous, just scene after scene of things Monty Python had done better years before. Like a particularly bad SNL with a budget.

  • See No Evil

    See No Evil

    Just crossing the T's on my plans for the Halloween marathon (I only missed 4). I only really wanted to see this one 'cos the sequel has Danielle Harris in it. There's nothing new here, just sub-Saw fake grit and "pretty" people (ugly on the inside) with empty heads and no soul. It's so generic a machine could do better by analysing a handful of better movies. Also it's 83 minutes and I was sighing at the halfway point for it to be over.

  • Call Me by Your Name

    Call Me by Your Name

    "Is it because they are gay or because they are ridiculous?"

    Sorry but where the f**k was the romance I've heard about here? All I saw were cocky, pretty, oversexed people leaping from one physical partner to another which to me is just the ugliest thing in the world. Like, I get being bi but that isn't a licence to be a promiscuous vacuum (and neither is being a teenager before you ask). There's no love here, just lust (the…

  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

    Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest

    This is absolutely f-ing awful. I wanted to turn it off after 40 minutes. I don't know if I'll even make it to the new one on Thursday anymore, it's all too exhausting and depressing… (Jack's coffin entrance is, if anything, possibly even better than the sinking ship one, though…) There's 45 minutes left as I post this. How are there 45 minutes left? I just read on Kevin Smith's Facebook that Lisa Spoonauer died and all I can think…

  • Omen IV: The Awakening

    Omen IV: The Awakening

    The worst thing about this is it's going to be stinking up my iTunes for all time 'cos I'm so picky about watching things in HD and it was one of those cases where renting it was the only option but buying it wasn't that much more, so I bought it. I always want to like this one because, come on! It's an evil little girl movie, and those never fail! But I guess this is the absolute exception to…

  • The Tailor of Panama

    The Tailor of Panama

    Does anyone else just get that thing sometimes with a movie where the people seem to literally just be making noises that sound like talking at each other instead of actually talking, and you actually worry that you've lost basic comprehension skills or something? I had absolutely no f-ing clue what was going on in this movie from start to finish. It looked like a movie, it had people in it I recognised as good actors, etc… it's meant to…

  • Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie

    Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie

    [additional: I'm not sure where to squeeze this in below but I just remembered a thought I wanted to add somewhere here: if you know me, you know I appreciate (or at least try to) when a gag is made of someone saying something terrible because the joke's on the person saying the terrible thing (just look at my recent Kevin Smith reviews), and that's the form the trans jokes take in this movie: I just feel like that Graham…

  • Billy Jack Goes to Washington

    Billy Jack Goes to Washington

    (watched with commentaries, I added this to my other review and wouldn't normally post such things as a separate review but I feel like this puts the series, and Laughlin, to bed for me… I may have to watch Billy Jack again pretty soon just to take the foul taste of the others out of my mouth though lol…)

    On top of Tom Laughlin going pretty much full wacko on the second commentary of this one (seriously this guy is…