Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood ★★

Even longer (how) and less good the second time. It’s literally Ready Player One for boomers. Also I just realized, for people who have no idea who Sharon Tate was and what happened to her (namely: my dad, but like also most people outside of America) half of this movie wouldn’t even work. Margot Robbie has nothing to work with and does nothing in this because she is quite literally unrelated to the overarching plot. I’m gonna get my dickhole busted wide open for even entertaining this notion but I think you could have easily taken out the Tate murders backdrop slash all the Manson related stuff (yes that includes the Spahn Ranch scene, holy fuck what an awful scene watching it for literally more than once) and the violence entirely and this would be a much stronger let alone a much tighter movie. I’d be a lot more willing to rewatch a mellow, sweet, and laidback Tarantino hangout piece that this kind of is without having to fear that it would turn into a fucking S. Craig Zahler slugfest by the third act. But hey, that’s just me.

As a nice little bonus that falls very much in line with the quality of the film I present to you: the worst video I have ever seen that’s sure to be a favorite of every filmbro and """"cinephile"""" alike. You could do a deep dive and practically peel back the intricate layers of hidden knowledge that Stuckmann was able to so perspicaciously engrave on this piece of.... artifact, really, and we would still come up short; for how can we, as a collective, hope to equate our tiny pea sized brains, to that of Stuckmann’s galaxy one. Maybe, just maybe, in centuries’ time, when film archaeologists inevitably look back upon this glorious chapter in youtube and really, film history, with bewilderment, nay, astonishment; they will, slowly but surely, understand the true brilliance of Stuckmann, and, in no small part, Tarantino’s, genius. Such wisdom is in short supply these days and to that I say, "Bravo."

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