Spoiler Alert: I am not going to be kind to this film.

The Day After Tomorrow is a disaster of a film. Which is slightly ironic, because it’s also a disaster film.

I only have a finite amount of disbelief that I am physically able to suspend. I ran out of it after the first three lines of dialogue. Had I not been oath sworn to produce content for this site, I probably wouldn’t have finished the movie.

Typically, I don’t like to spoil movies for people, but since this one is 124 minutes longer than it needs to be, I’m going to make an exception.

The movie takes place a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, where cosmic events are determined by fickle gods and conversations sound like the first draft of a high schooler’s attempt at screenwriting. In this mythical world, cause and effect are dictated by magic and physics is a science that has not yet been discovered.

Jack Hall, a shaman who uses voodoo to predict the forecast of the past discovers that an evil witch has cursed the planet with coldness. He tries to convince the local populous, then the political leaders, and even the right hand of the king, but no one will listen to him.

As the curse is unleashed, giant planet sized ice monsters, resembling hurricanes, attack everyone who is above the 38th parallel, as well as everyone who gets in a helicopter. As the ice curse takes hold of the land, the evil witch declares herself Queen of the land and everyone who hasn’t yet died of hypothermia flees to a refugee camp in Mexico.

Our hero shaman weatherman cannot flee for his life, because his son, Sam, is on an unchaperoned high school field trip to New York City where the evil ice Queen has trapped him in a library where he and his fellow captives are forced to burn books that are not on the Queens approved reading list.

Yeah.

After a few more “mildly interesting” plot points, (including wolves, penicillin, and a valiant rescue by the U.S Army) the film ends with a shot of the ice-covered earth, and probably a collective sigh of relief by everyone watching.

Two-thousand and four must have been a horrible year for a lot of people if this is the film thats lauded as an award winner. The movie had Ian Holm, Dennis Quaid, Jake Gyllenhall, and Emmy Rossum in it and the acting wasn’t really that terrible, but no amount of talent can make up for the horrible dialogue and face-palm worthy plot lines.

I have not seen Jake Gyllenhaal in anything recently, but the vacant expression he wears in this film makes him look like a psychopathic version of Toby McGuire. (Which is probably why he fit so well in Donnie Darko.)

This movie was too over the top to be a drama, but too serious to be a comedy. They either needed to dial it way back or dial it up a few more notches. If you have a group of friends who love bad sci-fi films, you might be able to enjoy this one, but you’re all going to want to bring a snack or two. And probably a board game.

There are too many things “wrong” with this colossal train wreck, in my opinion, for a proper review.

Official Tardy Critic Rating: 0.5/10 stars.

Two thumbs down.

Would not watch again.

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Review by Phil Wels