• Juno


    many of the overwritten diablo cody-isms that irritated me endlessly in 2007 are still as grating & eye-rolly as ever but the heart of juno is far more tender than i ever really gave it credit for--contrived quirk & twee give way to sweetness & heartache in earnest as the story really starts to unfurl. im veeeeery surprised i ended up liking this on a revisit but movies are time travel and i got sucked back into a world where the intrusion of…

  • The Lost Vlog of Ruby Real

    The Lost Vlog of Ruby Real

    this one should've stayed lost

  • Pawn Shop Chronicles

    Pawn Shop Chronicles

    i asked myself i asked why have i never heard of "pawn shop chronicles," a movie full of famous actors that we all know and love such as ashlee simpson and dj qualls? and once i watched it i realized exactly why i didn't know a movie starring paul walker as a meth head named "raw dog" & brendan fraser as a shitty elvis impersonator existed - it is because it sucks, bad. 2013 redditcore ass movie. its copy of a…

  • Leave the World Behind

    Leave the World Behind

    huh, the obamas produced the liberal culture war version of the turner diaries

  • Play Dead

    Play Dead

    "from the director of DRIVE ANGRY" is not the flex u think it is... v dumb but at least a little fun in a 2009 platinum dunes/direct to video/chromeskull kinda way. jerry o'connell shouldve gone a lil campier if he was gonna b a lil fashy with it imo. youre harvesting the organs of undesirables for the black market sir have some fun, for my sake! he had a little fun but i believe jerry o connell is capable of…

  • Three Thousand Years of Longing

    Three Thousand Years of Longing

    interminably dull, meandering, despite presence of many tiddies the depth of story bottoms out around young adult level. between this & mad max fury road george miller has a fat fetish, yes??

  • You Only Live Twice

    You Only Live Twice

    honestly soooo psycho crazy how "you only live twice" is the best song ever recorded?????

  • Thanksgiving



    eli roth literally just gets it, this rules, so much fun - funny & gross & fucked up. i miss seeing this kind of a movie at the multiplex all the time!!!

  • Hostel


    the fetid grime of gay panic & misogyny smeared all over every minute of this.. so malevolent... pray tell, what horrors lurk in eli roth's exceedingly juvenile & heterosexually insecure mind? let us count the ways! i used to think the sequel was better cuz it seems less bro-y by virtue of centering female protagonists but with age comes wisdom and i can confirm at this time that i no longer believe either of those things to be true. hostel is a…

  • Hollywood Vampyr

    Hollywood Vampyr

    i could see HOLLYWOOD VAMPYR appealing to some libertarian dork who rly believes in his heart and soul that goths are an actively oppressed social class in society lol its amazing. there should def be more movies for this demographic of ppl imo. this shit is sooo pretentious. goth oppression is real! theres a whole makeover sequence where a goth fuad ramses ass bitch dyes his head hair silver, pencils in his dumbass face hair, and puts on bad boy…

  • Carving Magic

    Carving Magic

    god.. you fucking loser... you moron.... you simpleton!!!!!! youre so ludicrously bad at carving meat its patently EMBARRASSING. you should be ASHAMED of your meat slicing abilities. u actually deserve every single bit of mockery and derision u hear in my cruel chuckles and chortles, you hideous, beastly FOOL!!!!!!!

  • The Descent: Part 2

    The Descent: Part 2

    i gotta get this outta the way the descent is obviously the superior film: it's scarier, it's artful in a way this is not, it carries more emotional weight, and it's an all around smarter movie but frankly to be frank when it comes down to it, it does NOT have a pool of shit the creatures defecate into. like they have some guy in full creature drag (nude except for his snout & ears, oily grey skin, and deformities) squatting…