Cats

I won't mince words: Cats is one of the most uniquely entertaining movies I have seen in my entire life. It is impossible to rate on a scale of 1-10 because it defies that sort of level of subjective enjoyment.

The film was... well, I can't say well-crafted, but... The film was designed with a very specific creative vision in mind. And its director, its actors, its production designers, everyone worked tirelessly to fulfill that creative vision, and succeeded. That every creative decision they made for this film was a horrific mistake is beside the point; they set out to make a movie, and they made a damn movie.

Cats is a special kind of terrible. It's never boring, not even for one scene. Like famed producer Rick McCallum once said, it's so dense, and every frame has so many things going on. There's rarely less than five or ten cats onscreen at any given time, most of them dancing or swooning or giving over-the-top reactions in the background. The constant sexually suggestive coreography intersects evenly with the family-friendly slapstick. The world is a massive CGI nightmare and the actors are giant furries. The animation quality varies drastically from shot to shot, leaving you unable to get past the illusion, to immerse yourself in the film enough to accept that these are actually characters and not actors covered in digital fur.

Aside from, by my count, three very brief scenes that total at maybe six minutes, the entire movie is one uninterrupted scene that gives you not a single moment to breathe. Not a single second of the movie is wasted on exposition or reflection, not a moment from the opening shot spent doing anything other than barreling towards the finale. Even Crank 2 had breather scenes. Even Mad Max Fury Road had moments of quiet. Cats, moreso than any movie I've seen, is the very definition of fast-paced. And it's all terrible.

The songs suck. The actors suck. The effects are bad, the sets are ridiculous. Nearly every element of this movie is perfectly crafted in a way that will leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and uncomfortable. Truly one of the most interesting films I've seen in a very long time.

I've already seen a lot of great movies in 2020, but this probably takes the cake for my favorite so far. It's awful in all the best ways, and nearly guaranteed to be a classic for years to come. It is a half-star film and a five-star film simultaneously, but it is not a mixture of the two. It is Cats. And a cat is not a dog.

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