Those has written 13 reviews for films with no rating during 2020.

  • Destination: Infestation

    Destination: Infestation

    There’s a scene where Antonio Sabàto, Jr. dispatches some killer ants and then quips “it’s no picnic, eh?” which is all I need to call this movie an unqualified success.

  • The Psycho She Met Online

    The Psycho She Met Online

    they said “shit” in a Lifetime movie 🤭

  • A Recipe for Seduction

    A Recipe for Seduction

    Yes, at the end of the day it’s just a high concept fast food ad, but I do genuinely admire their commitment to the bit: for all intents and purposes this is a real Lifetime movie, condensed to hit all the necessary beats within 16 minutes and played with only the slightest of winks. It’s entirely unnecessary but very much welcome if like me you’re the kind of person who not only knows the difference between My Husband’s Secret Wife and All My Husband’s Wives but has strong opinions about their relative places in the canon.

  • Of Stars and Men

    Of Stars and Men

    😐 “No fearsome changes in climate are ahead.” 😑

  • Rejuvenique Video Manual

    Rejuvenique Video Manual

    whispering “enriched toning gel” to myself over and over like it’s “cellar door”

  • Mistress Hunter

    Mistress Hunter

    Lydia Look is genuinely fantastic in this as the titular Mistress Hunter, so it’s a real shame she basically disappears from the whole third act. Plus she drives around in a white van full of disguises and then barely ever uses them! I was expecting a Gene Parmesan level of disguises so that was a little disappointing.

  • The Moschops

    The Moschops

    "We didn't love each other, exactly, but at night we all slept together in one big stupid pile."

  • Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
  • Taken Too Far

    Taken Too Far

    “That’s a story for another bottle of Chardonnay, but...”

    My favorite part of this was either:

    1) When the titular Deadly Dance Mom puts on a black beanie and big sunglasses to go incognito while pulling a clandestine op in her giant Suburban with a “DANCE MOM1” vanity plate.

    2) When they call in the “Lethal Crime Unit,” which consists of like 5 different mismatched varieties of Central Casting Cop each acting in their own movie.

  • Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

    Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?

    “We need to talk about Kevin.”

  • Killer Grandma

    Killer Grandma

    Part 2/? of my accidental marathon of Lifetime movies starring DS9 cast members. If Garak shows up in one of these I'm gonna scream.

  • From Straight A's to XXX

    From Straight A's to XXX

    To me the main appeal of Lifetime movies - neoclassical melodramas that they are - is the friction between their obligatory surface reinforcement of social norms and the primal passions clawing their way out from underneath. The harder the movie can ricochet between Hallmark and horror, the better.

    So while this is surprisingly nuanced for Lifetime, which I guess is admirable in the abstract, in practice that even-handedness only ends up making the film feel more like a shoddy attempt at a "real" movie than the full-bore, productively trashy Lifetime movie it could be.