Those has written 73 reviews for films with no rating.

  • The Beast of Yucca Flats

    The Beast of Yucca Flats

    “It’s 110 in the shade, and no shade.”

  • Deadly Garage Sale

    Deadly Garage Sale

    Can’t decide whether the best line in this is “Rick Breedlove is a fictitious name” or “You’ll never get away with this, you need a notary!”

  • Single Black Female

    Single Black Female

    There’s a beautiful graphic match in this between an establishing shot with a foregrounded tree whose trunk looks like a giant ballsack and a closeup on a chandelier whose bulbs also look like a giant ballsack that is honestly nothing short of Ozu-esque.

  • The Beatles: Get Back

    The Beatles: Get Back

    I hate the Hogg boy, I hate him with my life, he doesnot leave the beatles alone

  • Vincenzo

    Vincenzo

    The story of a man with an extraordinary talent for holding various kinds of cups and glasses.

  • Just What the Doctor Ordered

    Just What the Doctor Ordered

    A comparatively sedate, back-to-basics affair for the Stalked By My Doctor saga.

    On the one hand that's probably a good idea given the unsustainable zaniness of the last couple entries in the series, but on the other hand there isn't nearly enough of Dr. Beck's laid-back Parrothead alter ego in this one. We demand more Laid Back Beck in Part VI!

  • Murder in the Vineyard

    Murder in the Vineyard

    The most egregious title bait-and-switch I’ve ever seen from Lifetime, which is really saying something considering how often they pull this shit. Not only does the movie’s sole murder happen nowhere near the vineyard, there’s hardly any vineyard action at all! Instead it turns out to be, of all things, a bog-standard High School Cyberbullying Gone Too Far movie with like three scenes incidentally set at a vineyard and maybe two offhanded references to “biodynamic wines.” Give me someone drowning in…

  • Secrets in the Woods

    Secrets in the Woods

    “Of course it works, it’s a toilet.”

    Never follow a Brant to a second location.

  • White Heart

    White Heart

    What Andre Bazin called film’s “indexicality,” the medium’s inherent capacity to record an “imprint” of reality, is really more of a useful fiction than anything, a necessary narrowing of our perceptive bandwidth to prevent us from looking at every film the way Funes the Memorious looks at a flower. Because in truth reality (such as it is) is just the first of an incalculable number of greasy mitts a film has to pass through on its way to us, and…

  • Whispering Pines 3

    Whispering Pines 3

    "I really like its texture, but I can't understand what it is trying to say."

  • The Wrong Valentine

    The Wrong Valentine

    If he starts sending you unsolicited pictures of scones that’s a big red flag ladies

  • Deadly Excursion

    Deadly Excursion

    About as close as we’re ever likely to get to an Andy Sidaris Lifetime movie.