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  • Showgirls

    Showgirls

    ★★★★

    It doesn’t suck, and better than a 10-inch dick.

  • Ready Player One

    Ready Player One

    Imagine Grampa Spielberg telling us, his dear grandchildren, another new bedtime story, but he falls asleep halfway through only to wake up and half-ass the rest of it.

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  • This Is 40

    This Is 40

    ½

    NO, JUDD APATOW, I DO NOT WANT TO SEE ANOTHER IPHONE VIDEO OF YOUR FAMILY. THEY'RE NEITHER CUTE OR FUNNY.

  • A Quiet Place

    A Quiet Place

    ★★★

    Don't Procreate Now.