Underwater ★★★★½

Listen you assholes: it's Kristen Stewart vs. monsters of the ocean floor. There are no circumstances imaginable whereby I am less than 100% on fucking board for Kristen Stewart vs. monsters of the ocean floor.
I have exactly 2 questions regarding such a movie. (1) Does it have Kristen Stewart? (2) Does it have monsters of the ocean floor? If the answer to both questions is yes, sign me the motherfuck up.
Think of all the movies that could be improved by the inclusion of one or both of these elements. Deep Star Six plus Kristen Stewart? Hell yes.
Into the Wild plus monsters of the ocean floor? Hell yes. The Bird Cage plus Kristen Stewart and monsters of the ocean floor? Hell to the goddamn yes.

Look, it's not the movie's fault it was dumped out in January with minimal promo and a lackluster title. (My suggestion for an alternate title, Kristen Stewart vs. Monsters of the Ocean Floor, might be a bit unwieldy but I think it hits pretty hard.) It's not the movie's fault somebody thought TJ Miller would add some sort of value to this. (Well, maybe that one is the movie's fault.) And it's definitely not the movie's fault that because of the above reasons, and the fact they didn't just market the damn movie the same way they would have in 1998, we won't get a part 2 to explain the tantalizing hints about the creatures and their life-cycle and provenance. Why are the smaller creatures humanoid? Why do they seemingly grow, or at least live, in the flesh of the glorious titan Cthulhu-like creature? Are they parasites like in Cloverfield? Did Cthulhu birth them? Did the drill open up a sealed pocket of sea with prehistoric survivors? Is the smaller creatures’ humanoid appearance suggestive that we may have a common ancestor?

We will never know. Because you assholes were too snooty to surrender to the simple Alien-inflected awestruck wet plate reverb disaster movie pleasures of Kristen Stewart vs. monsters of the ocean floor.

Cf. Virus