Film #4 of Bond-A-Thon 2017

One Christmas afternoon, back when I was around eight years old, my father positively insisted we leave the family enjoying festivities and go watch a film starting on ITV. We did, that film was Thunderball, and my life was forever changed. I'm amazed looking back that that was the case because Thunderball is an interminable slog and the most boring thing the franchise would see for another fifty years.


The Film:

Bond's dead! Oh no, he's on that landing. Black widow. Opening car doors is the new red wine with fish. Don't forget the flowers. Don't forget your helmet. Did nobody see you arrive on that thing? Was the DB5 just at the seaside? Johnny Cash's theme is better. SPECTRE: Special Exemption for Carparking for Those with Ridiculous Eyepatches. Blofeld works behind a garage door. Let's spend half hour at a spa, this film won't drag on. Tractioned to death? More sexual assault. Steamed to death?? Face/Off. Vulcan down. People should stop trying extort an organisation with 'Extortion' in the name. Bond's late. Audio recording. You may now open the folders on your desk. Is this a briefing or a GCSE exam? M says Bond has an "enthusiasm for watersports". Is this the "one time with M" Bond mentions in From Russia with Love? Can you imagine if Bond got sent to Canada? Domino. "You swim like a man"—you're such a charmer, James. The original audiobook. Showering with a gun? Er... Fiona? Carnival? Water? Sharks. More water. More sharks. "I think he got the point"!—best line in the series so far. More water. So much fucking water. ugh.


That's it.

I can't take this anymore.

Take down a memo for M please Moneypenny:

Sir, i have the honour to request if you'll accept it my resignation, effective forthwith.

Now Moneypenny, care to join me for some yogurt and lemon juice?


Next week:

Thank christ this is over. It's all plain sailing now for at least the next dozen weeks. Roll Bond's Japanese makeover.

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