Cats ★★★★★

Idris Elba awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant cat. His height and stature remained unchanged, but his body was covered in a velvety layer of digital fur technology. His glistening muscles shown all the clearer. His penis had retreated inside himself like a turtle’s head.

He was surrounded by others like him. Taylor Swift’s feline gyrations were met with a rain of party drugs down on her fellow CATS. Rebel Wilson, of Jojo Rabbit fame, was unzipping her own flesh and dining on cockroach Rockettes with human faces. We dare not speak of what had become of Ray Winstone.

Each of his compatriots looked as if they were ready to fuck whoever was closest as soon as the cameras weren’t looking.

It was a unique experience, six months in anticipation. A gathering of over twenty friends sat down on opening night to see this event, and it was the greatest theatrical experience any of them could recall. After being beset for years by movies that were bad in uninteresting ways, Idris Elba had found himself in an fascinatingly bizarre creation. He may never work again.

Hear it all on PodCATS: The Pod About CATS.

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