• Cinderella


    Even in our most puerile fantasies, the crowning achievement is being a fucking entrepreneur.

  • Candyman


    This was evidently focus-grouped by the Elizabeth Warren/Hillary Clinton fan club, the one in which we childishly simplify our misapprehensions about basic political issues. Peele and co. still don't quite know what gentrification even is, let alone why it's bad, and it's hilarious that they decided to base an entire script on their bunk understanding of it.

    Moreover, Nia DaCosta's dilettante direction is as lifeless as her antagonist--she manages to make Chicago look like Dillard's on a space station and…

  • Old


    I just can’t comprehend how one would consider a script well made when every part of the story is clumsily told and retold through expository dialogue. It represents a total disregard for the audience. A few hilarious examples:

    “It’s a rusty knife! Rust acts like poison in the bloodstream!”

    “It’s as if time is moving quickly on this island!”

    “For 10 years now we’ve been making new medicines that have saved millions of lives.” (Why would someone need to tell their longtime colleagues what their mission is???

    Get checked for brain rot.

  • Pig



    Relentlessly reverent, and therein lie the yucks. It’s not just hilarious, though: there are moments of profound intellection, and the film possesses more depth than any revenge movie has a right to.

    There’s an ancient recipe that transforms grief and nihilism into selfless Good Works. Pig explores this in an original, unexpected way. Heraclitus’ bookends feel totally earned.

  • Beau Travail

    Beau Travail


    It’s the closest stroke to perfection I have seen in this medium. What affords Denis’ the crown is her relentless capacity for laconic, visual language—the film grunts in its own tongue. The thoughtfulness of every shot is in itself enough for five stars, but then—again, relentlessly—she wrestles with masculinity in a way only a woman could, deeming it a man-made, militant prison, dependent on power in place of compassion. I could watch her watch us every day. 


  • The Day After Tomorrow

    The Day After Tomorrow


    Great for naps

  • Nobody



    Fun enough to forgive all its faults. Big win for dads and white guys everywhere.

  • The Stepfather

    The Stepfather


    In Disturbia, a superior iteration of this idea, the writers understood that ambivalence is necessary for tension. The Stepfather, however, elects to show us exactly what it’s going to do in its first moments. Moreover, the action scenes are edited with that sloppy freneticism so typical of Netflix thrillers. Also, you just gotta love it when the high-school senior is portrayed by a stubbled man clearly in his early 30s. 

    Only enjoyable if you are supremely hungover and your brain is malfunctioning, i.e. me yesterday.

  • Captain Phillips

    Captain Phillips

    This film could have been an excoriating exegesis of the "a rising tide lifts all boats" bromide, but it eventually just turns to U.S. military worship. Yay capitalism!

  • The Assistant

    The Assistant


    Torture porn for socialists

  • Christine



    Behind every good man is a good car waiting to savagely murder his adversaries

  • The Purge

    The Purge


    I am not yet so joyless that I can’t have fun with an albeit unsubtle allegory about the religious devotion some have to capitalism