Seriously disappointed that there is no terrible early-00's teen remake of Lake Of Dracula because the tagline would totally be "You've Got Mail . . . And It's Dracula!!!"
When you are a young woman who for your whole life has been terrorized by fears of Dracula but you don't know what a Dracula is exactly and neither do your dumb doctor boyfriend or your sister who has a crush on him but they are more than willing to tell…
Satan's Storybook exists because Satan is bummed out that the Queen Of Hell got queen-napped by a bunch of Christian Ninjas led by her Sister whose name is Christeeth so Satan summons an Evil Jester to tell Stories Of The Damned and these Stories are about a Goth Witch Revenging Herself On A Nightstalker Wannabe and a Suicidal Clown Who Meets An Evil Clown and Christeeth fights An Orc on the way to Off-Brand Mordor and A Lot Of Demons…
You know, it would be really quite terrible if we were to find ourselves trapped in the midst of an armed White Supremacist business operation which uses entertainment as a cover for nefarious schemes which sicken and enslave the whole of the culture whilst using non-whites as scapegoats for the damage and hostility which follows, further fuelling their cause, right? right?
When I was an agoraphobic psychotic 13 year old in 1987, my most prized possession was a VHS tape I had made myself by recording David Cronenberg's The Fly and Aliens off of HBO. I watched those movies over and over. I barely went to school that fall. I had not finished the end of 7th Grade because incarcerated in a for-profit psychiatric hospital for children, let out to go to an academic summer program, which was a bad idea…
