Satan's Blood

Satan's Blood ★★★★½

Andres and Ana are pretty square. They have a holiday weekend in front of them and they want to take the dog for walk in the park, go see Star Wars and get a cup of coffee afterward. So far, that is chill and all seems well, until they get lured into an Undead Satanic Cultist Orgy/Wine & Cheese Party Of The Damned by a grumpy, always squabbling middle-aged couple who seem like they won't be any fun at the Remote Mansion On The Hill, and they aren't, not until the Lazy Susan Ouija and Naked Pentagram Twister Action starts to get down! Then things are even less fun. To call Andres and Ana the most inept couple to ever find themselves in a 70's occult horror movie would be to do a grave disservice to how inept everyone and everything is in this movie. Satan's Blood has a Satan which is a prism-effect on a fireplace. Satan's Blood has a fake-academic introduction which attempts to reframe the following proceedings as somehow 'educational', which I guess they are in the sense that if you are stopped in traffic by a couple who attempt to lure you to their home with the promise of a really nice cheese, say NO! Because they are probably part of an Undead Satanic Swingers Cult. Although the opening monologue about the Dangers of Satanism is full of (extremely) wonky theology, the dude delivering it has a pretty sweet occult-studies-department office, a demi-hip 3-piece suit, and is delivering the lecture holding a wavy-bladed sacramental dagger. Satan's Blood is the kind of gloriously inept film that only could have been Executive Produced and possibly Partially Directed by Juan Piquer (Simon) of Pieces fame. I don't think there is any way this was not intended to be some sort of horror comedy but it is impossible to tell and cannot really matter.

cw: nonconsensual acts, suicide, murder, violence

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