nathaxnne (hiatus)’s review published on Letterboxd:
so i totally watched the first half of this movie because it is really long and i have adhd and it was kind of structually unwatchable even though i watched it? individual scenes were good or bad and honestly the stuff that played like TMNT live action 1990 outtakes was more awesome than the stuff that was trying to be like 'realistic' or whatever. no way would i ever date Jared Leto. I feel like late 10's mainstream exploitation spinoffs are trying to get me to date Jared Leto and i feel like as a woman of (more) than a certain age i feel like garbage popular culture has been trying to convince me to date Jared Leto since the 1990's and NO WAY if i am dating anyone from MS-CL it would totally be Claire Danes whom i watched the show for with my friends who liked it more than i did. i tolerated it for Claire but really I am not seeing anyone right now? anyway the reason i am writing this review of a half-seen movie is because i might not ever finish watching it and i still want to watch the movie where Margot Robbie wears cool outfits so i felt sort of obliged to try and watch this movie but totally forgot a conversation with a co-worker who likes this movie a lot kind of and i explained that you know low-key i am an ancient sorceress who is like incarnated bunches of times throughout history having ascended from hell to be amongst the people because she likes them even though she messes things up a lot she is trying her best and he was like oh like the enchantress and i was like what? and so i resolved even more to watch this movie focusing harder so i totally tried and i wouldn't even give out that totally true story were it not for watching this movie and feeling kinda? seen as a deathless cave witch who in one scene is like petting a general or something and he is like stop touching me and i was like ok relatable even though i wouldn't ACTUALLY do that and i always get nostalgic (the enemy!) about you know 'the old days, when we were treated with the respect we deserved' and sure there might have been a city-state or two that held a feast day and sacrificed a bunch of stuff/people and everyone stayed up and partied and got wasted and some loss of life was understood and even though you totally hated it at the time (remember?) and gave it up as unethical, shifting your blood sacrifice from a wildly intoxicated populace/angry mob/adoring crowd to a procession of selves freely chosen, a burden purposefully undertaken as a way of moving in the world harming mostly oneself but you know a cave/hole witch is that way for a reason and we are NOT super adapted for daily human life, turning any environment into a cave strewn with random crap, dank and filthy but NO LONGER featuring the bones of men!!! not for like a REALLY LONG TIME but we like people and moving around among them and chatting them up and actually like generations spent as a succubus or whatever not like u could tell anymore to call it fallen glamour would be to do glamour a major wrong but it totally helps in customer service when 'on' and not to like sell stuff but just to help people with their random wants/needs and everyone can kind of feel the baleful energy u r doing ur super best to make posi and cheerful in the consumer hellscape u live in and feel kinda comfy in because it is like hell and u r from there and it feels good which should worry u what with the fluorescent lights and the constant stream of background radiation and constant 'low-level' chemical exposure but it is designed to feel good and encourage wasteful expenditure amidst the necessary purchases which everyone cheerfully acknowledges and once again as an 'ascended' demoness this seems completely normative but once in a while u r like it feels normal because it is grounded in and returns to a well of deep suffering in a dying world and yes that is true but i am not here to groove on the suffering no i am here to be as nice as possible because i have experience living in hell and i want to make this hell as nice as possible for others which is its own kind of infernal complicity ultimately this goes to say that as an ancient demon witch walking around and doing stuff (not that it matters! it does not make daily life any easier! it is way harder in fact! driving on highways completely sucks! the air is bad! the emf is so crowded it messes with magickal stuff! the chemicals in our bodies hard same but HELL!!! and then i admire its ingenuity, its infernal complexity as a curse that does stuff i recognize excellence when i see it but one thing i would NEVER EVER DO is build an infernal machine to wipe out humanity by creating hordes of faceless minions. first of all that is REALLY BORING!!! i don't care how up-close gnarly your faceless minions are or what eldritch crap you have fashioned them from they are boring as heck and secondly if we were used to being worshipped we might be occasionally sad about not being worshipped by humans but whatever that is kind of a childish affectation and that sort of energy one can channel and work with all kinds of ways without being worshipped which sucks but one thing u would not do is make something to kill them all? like as an ancient infernal witch u have long had interaction with humans! they are part of your life cycle? why kill them all just because you are in a dumb movie? have some pride! i mean ok just because you might have stood laughing and snarling as rivers of blood ran through the streets of wherever it was that was a really long time ago and you aren't the same person anymore but it just seems boring and spiteful and needlessly melodramatic to kill everyone? really? idk! i am hardly one to judge others or give them advice as how to act? even though lots of times we got burnt up or stoned to death or worse or treated one way sometimes when someone wants a certain favor or something but then reviled the rest thank goddess no one treats witches that way anymore! amirite? should i watch the rest of this movie? or not? it is totally still spinning in the dvd chamber! kisses <3
PS: as an ancient demon witch the single most unwatchable element in this movie almost is the endless boomer needle drops? a form of torture. even the non-boomer needle drops were boomer-friendly. it hurt. does it keep doing that? it seemed to calm down for a while.