Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker ★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

the world's dumbest star wars movie, only to be eclipsed by the next dumb star wars movie. jj abrams at Peak Abrams. every plot beat happens within 60 seconds. finn & poe trading off the role of being the guy to say "did you just see that" and "well... heh... here we go again"

maz & chewbacca shippers rise up. reylo rise up....... and then sit down. i was laughing throughout most of this film. nothing makes any sense. everything is dumb. to its credit, a lot of it is dumb in a fun way.

every two minutes a character will look at another character and tell you what the current plot beat is, in case you forgot in the past two minutes. whatever flagging hope rian johnson had of making star wars a Smort Series is, of course, ran into the ground. i expected that though. the truth is they can never take the last jedi from us.

rey palpatine. rey palpatine... who is destined to mack face with ben skywalker solo who immediately dies. he dies so fast that everyone in our theatre laughed. unintentionally perfect comedic timing. on the plus side i loved rey & kylo throughout the film, they are the shining light of good character acting in a barren wasteland of disney-marvel-lucasfilm standard tropes.

lando calrissian is in this movie. he sucks shit too. it all sucks shit around him basically. the movie keeps pulling him out like we're supposed to be like "YES! LANDO! FINALLY SOMEONE FROM THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY" and i guess some absolute troglodyte nerds probably did feel that way. anyway he sucks, moving on

finnrey can't happen because Reasons but don't worry. there's a Black Woman here now who he can kiss, so the race-mixing won't occur. don't worry everyone, we're safe!! the black guy won't kiss the white girl. everyone calm down. ha ha yes you too Disney Exec #25, the black guy ALSO won't kiss poe. we're safe from the dangers of "A Little Bit Of Representation, I Suppose, In The Disney Way".

but don't worry there IS a one second shot of two women kissing. also a hilarious, clearly edited shot of Billie Fisher being the one who says something important to Leia (played by her mom. you know. carrie fisher). i don't remember what she said it doesn't matter. it's representation and it's girl power. one of the evil empire ladies is even a black lady now. so when you think about it it's even MORE girl power.

i can't get over rey palpatine. it is the worst possible twist in a smorgasbord of awful, hilarious twists. it's the dumbest fantheory writ large. basically this entire movie is batshit fanfiction written by the most boring person on the planet, jj abrams.

is it bad? yes it is bad. is it worse than you would think? no, probably not. i am giving it two stars because it is bad, but i wasn't exactly not entertained. i think silently screaming while my hands are covering my face is a kind of entertainment.

every single plot element is bad with a few key exceptions. i cannot overexaggerate how much i laughed at this film when it did not want me to. nothing makes sense and it's so fucking dumb and it's so fucking funny. the prequels are back, baby. both in content and quality

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