Fast & Furious 6 ★★

This review may contain spoilers. I can handle the truth.

This review may contain spoilers.

This film starts off with acclaimed thespian The Rock (as Hobbs) dropping prophetic lines like, "You wanna catch wolves, you need wolves."

Need? I'm pretty sure a snare, trap, or about a thousand other man-made contraptions would be more effective at catching wolves than another set of wolves.

And also this gem: "This crew we're after, they hit like thunder and disappear like smoke."

Wait, thunder? Thunder's just a loud sound, and you can literally see it coming – it will be preceded by lightning. Lightning would actually make a whole lot more sense. Did anyone spend more than ten seconds writing this piece of dialogue?

That's Furious 6 (as it is titled in the film) in a nutshell. It tries to find the most impactful ways to express ideas that make very little sense, and had the screenwriters spent even a modicum more brainpower considering, it could be a substantially better film. It's an exciting, fast-paced, incredibly stupid ride.

DANCE PARTY STREET RACE INTERMISSION

OK, w'ere back. This film is summed up simply: action set-pieces interspersed with ridiculous contrivances. And family. Somehow, family is more important than anything else, certainly more than cinematic craftsmanship. The actual plot, artistic qualities and performances aren't worth discussing, and neither is the lengthy climax which has been critiqued to death, so let's instead just wrap this up by focussing on some of my favourite contrivances (introduced by actual quotes from the film):

"This better have been worth it": Paul Walker's Brian risks his freedom entirely on a practically inconsequential information-gathering mission hoping to figure out what happened to Michelle Rodriguez, and ultimately divine how to get to the villain, Shaw. Meanwhile, Vin Diesel's Dom effortlessly finds and meets with Shaw, rendering Brian's mission completely and utterly pointless.

"No one has to know about this": Tyrese's Roman is usually present, and 98% useless.

"Take the wheel": The Rock throws himself from the truck he is driving at breakneck speeds, from on an elevated road, down to the top of a makeshift Formula 1 car accelerating down on off-ramp approximately 40-feet below. Without dying. Only to be immediately thrown off that latter car. Without dying. For no explicable purpose or useful reason whatsoever.

"You show me how you drive, I'll show you who you are": Michelle Rodriguez has amnesia – remembers how to drive cars, but not how to emote.

"How did you know there would be a car there to break our fall?": Dom flies over a bridge to catch Rodriguez mid-air and redirect both of their falling bodies to safety. "Because fuck physics" is a phrase that just doesn't do this scene justice.

"Get in the car": One extra car's weight on a gigantic cargo plane makes the plane unable to take off. Two cars leaving the plane has no effect on the plane's weight or ability to take off.

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