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  • The Dark Tower

    The Dark Tower

    ★★

    “For centuries, the gunslingers were knights. Sworn to protect this from the coming of the dark. Now I'm the only one left.”
     
    Presumably the other gunslingers lost interest like the studio did making this movie.
     
    Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series spanned eight books (and a number of comics) and was crammed full of lore, world-building, interesting characters and a fleshed out story. The movies runtime is 90 minutes long and, therefore, has none of the above. Curse you, Columbia.…

  • Baywatch

    Baywatch

    ★★★½

    Were you looking at my boobs?

    Yes. NO!! Huh?

    Camp, cheesy and slow-mo saviour Baywatch hits the big screen with an all-new cast and an all-new feel. Gone is the glorious, fine chest hair of The Hoff replaced by the mountainous muscles of Dwayne Johnson. Michael Newman’s moustache is obliterated by Zac Efron’s impossibly toned physique. Pammy may not be around, but the Baywatch babes remain. Fear not, the ridiculousness still remains, just ramped up that bit more.

    The TV…

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  • The Emoji Movie

    The Emoji Movie

    Sigh.

    This is 2017.

    A movie has been made starring the faces and icons of popular messaging apps.

    Yes, it is shit.

    As I couldn’t find an emoji depicting me getting shot in the face, I’ll continue with the review.


    This is no bandwagon review.


    The story follows the ‘meh’ emoji, known as Gene (Miller), as he is thrown to the scrapheap for not being ‘meh’ enough. You see, Gene can’t contain his emotions and can transform into various…

  • The Love Witch

    The Love Witch

    ★★★★

    “Men are very fragile, they can get crushed down if you assert yourself in any way.”

    Written, directed, and edited by Anna Biller (also responsible for its production design, costume design, and music) The Love Witch is a beguiling movie asking the question, “What would happen if men loved women as strongly as women want them to?” and how men emotionally react to their feelings.

    It may not sound enthralling, however Biller has shaped and crafted a beautiful looking movie…