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  • The Irishman

    The Irishman

    ★★★★

    or, The Persecution and Assassination of James Riddel Hoffa as Performed by the Residents of the Golden Acres Nursing Home, under the Direction of Martin Scorsese.


    Feels like this is Scorsese using Brechtian distancing mechanisms to reflect on the nature of the "mob movie" and a lifetime working within the genre,

  • Hard Target

    Hard Target

    ★★★½

    MON DIEU!!

  • Die Hard

    Die Hard

    ★★★★½

    Die Hard is the film equivalent of how ancient Roman cement structures still stand 2000 years later but modern concrete dissolves within two generations.

  • Cobra

    Cobra

    ★★½

    Had to give it two and half stars to average the eternal quantum oscillation between being a 1 star movie and a 5 star movie. As my colleague Felix Biederman pointed out to me, this film is the aesthetic distillation of Bolsonaroismo.

  • Dolemite Is My Name

    Dolemite Is My Name

    ★★★½

    Basically Ed Wood without Bela Legosi. That's a pretty big subtraction.

  • Pokémon Detective Pikachu

    Pokémon Detective Pikachu

    ★★½

    All Cops Are Bastards

  • Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

    Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood

    ★★★★★

    Blasphemously watched this on a postage stamp-sized airplane screen but forgive me, QT, the rewatch has confirmed that this is your best film and I'm bumping it up to five stars. Film history, cultural history, and Tarantino's personal fixations layered on top of each other to create a scrumptious cinematic lasagna. *Kisses Fingers Infinitely*

  • Stuber

    Stuber

    ★½

    If you're going to make a dogshit pseudo-comedy that doubles as a 90-minute piece of sponsored content for a predatory hell app, is it too much to ask for said hell app to be accurately depicted? THAT'S NOT HOW UBER WORKS!!

  • Shazam!

    Shazam!

    ★★★½

    Cute, but I was a bit distracted by how much Levi, with his jet-black dye job and throbbing forehead veins, looked like he was in a superhero porno parody.

  • Parasite

    Parasite

    ★★★★

    Instituting the "Gentleman's 4," in which I rate a film 4 Stars due to its objective and undeniable artistic and technical merit even though my personal enjoyment hovers from 3.25 to 3.50 Stars. It will be noted by the symbol *G4 at the beginning of the review. So...*G4

    Retroactively applying the *G4 to Midsommar and The Lighthouse. So update your spreadsheets.

  • The Lighthouse

    The Lighthouse

    ★★★★

    Guys being dudes.

  • In the Tall Grass

    In the Tall Grass

    ★★★½

    More visually inventive than your average horror movie but somehow less narratively inventive.