Logan ★½

What would happen if the famously indestructible Marvel superhero, Wolverine, no longer desired to live, but seemed cursed to long after all of his friends and loved ones were gone? And what would happen if that nihilistic Wolverine suddenly became vulnerable? What would it be like for him to truly stare death in the face? And what would happen if, at death's door, he ironically rediscovered his reason for living?

It's an interesting premise. Or, at least, it was the first fucking time that James Mangold and Hugh Jackman made a movie out of it. Four years ago. In THE WOLVERINE.

LOGAN is the same goddamn story, but slightly tweaked to be more X-TREME!!111!

I want to say that I don't know why this movie exists, but that'd be a lie. I know exactly why this movie exists. It exists because THE WOLVERINE failed to do much of anything interesting with the premise, and there are actually no other interesting premises for a Wolverine standalone adventure. But we can't let franchises lie fallow just because we have nothing to say, can we? No, of course not. So Fox and Mangold repackaged the script, swapped THE WOLVERINE's western-in-Japan aesthetic for a boring near-future western-in-the-west aesthetic, and away they went. "Here's a clever idea," said some terribly boring person during development, "what if we dressed Wolverine in a black suit like he's mutant Johnny Cash?" "Great idea!" some dipshit replied.

This conversation also definitely happened:

"Did you see the box office returns on DEADPOOL? Holy shit!"
"I know. I guess we finally did something right."
"You mean adding gratuitous swearing, right?"
"What? Of course. What else would I be referring to? It's definitely not that we hired a creative team that actually knows and cares about the character they're adapting."

As you may have surmised, I hated this fucking movie. It presents the most boring near-future in cinema since the last X-Men film. It gives us the exact same goddamn Logan we got last time, just with different costuming and make-up. I have absolutely no idea who the villains are or what they want, but they're lame and I think they might be big into corn syrup (this is not a joke)? And if all that wasn't enough, they turn Professor X into a foulmouthed asshole whose sole purpose in the story is to glare disapprovingly at Logan.

Let's actually talk about that for a second, because it's bullshit. Let's recap all the movies where Xavier and Wolverine had the kind of strained father-son relationship that serves as the basis for the kind of back-and-forth we see in LOGAN:

...

Oh that's right. There aren't any. That would have required any of the previous X-films to do something interesting with these characters. But I guess we're supposed to imagine that Fox hasn't been grand slam fucking up the entire X-universe for 20 years, and just pretend that LOGAN is a poetic button on a long-running, successful, and beloved cinematic universe.

Fuck you. It's no such thing. This is the cherry on top of a shit sundae. And they fucking know it.

I'll forever remember LOGAN as the movie that desperately wants to be taken seriously, but can't because everything it wants to be serious about is a joke. Except Dafne Keen. That girl can act. Shame about the rest of this nonsense, though. Can we now, finally, kill it with fire? Please?

And for the love of fucking god--somebody please track down the alcoholic hack who does all of the X-film's incredibly shitty wirework. Stop him. I'm begging you.